Saturday Night's Alright For Ditching

THE OFFENSE: disorderly conduct, stalking, general stupidity

THE CULPRIT: Oil Boy. 25 year old male, 5'9", not as slick as his name, creepy as creepy goes.

THE INCIDENT: [Summer, 2008]

I still have the email I sent out to my girlfriends from the day after I ended it with Oil Boy. It is hilarious even as I read it again. Very little in this post has been edited from that original email.

I met Oil Boy at the greatest bar in the west, Oil City. I say this because despite its reputation for being pretentious and loud, Oil City has consistently been chalk full of blogging-worthy-boys, and they play almost nothing but country music. Let's face it, one cannot take life seriously while listening to country music. No matter how screwed up you think your life is, Kenny Chesney probably has you beat. (ha! Beat. That works on so many hick levels...)

Anyway.

So Oil Boy and I met at Oil City, and immediately hit it off over our mutual love of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band classic "Fishin In The Dark". We decided to go out to eat after the bar, I won him over with my wit and charm, he won me over with...paying for food. (Funny how alcohol can lower one's standard, innit?) At the end of the night/morning, we exchanged phone numbers, and the magic sprung from there.

So I met up with Oil Boy over dinner the next evening, had a lot of fun, and didn't see him for another week (I was in Vegas and he was in Phoenix). But hark, Oil Boy had not forgotten about me. He called me the minute he got back from Phoenix and took me out for a romanic dinner that weekend, had a great time, came back to my place and...

...*censored*.... (don't worry. It wasn't that great. You're not missing out on the juicy deets.)

So he ended up leaving my place after telling me "I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time. I was literally dizzy when I left your place last time because I liked you so much." (RED FLAG #1)

Skip ahead to a week later when Oil Boy invites me to meet up at the bar with him and his friends. He tells me how much his friends want to meet me after how amazing he tells them I am. (RED FLAG #2)

I eventually show up at said bar at midnight, and already am unimpressed that I have to wait in line for a whole 9.5 minutes. I finally get in to the bar and...Oil Boy is nowhere to be found. I text him asking where he is. I get no answer. Fuming, I leave the bar and walk home.

At just after 2am, I am about to settle into bed when I receive a text from Oil Boy:

0228h:

text message, Oil Boy: "Where are at? . I'm so drunk. I wanna see you!"
I text back: "I couldn't find you at Hudson's, so I left."

0230h: incoming call, Oil Boy:

Me: Yes?
OB: Where are you? I am so drunk! Can I come over? I wanna see you.
Me: ...I have to work tomorrow
OB: so...you work...3-7?
Me: I work all day. [i actually work nights]
OB: I really wanna see you. What are you doing?
Me: I'm sleeping. It's 2am.
OB: okay, well..I really wanna see you, but I understand that you have to work tomorrow and I want you to have a good day at work, and I'll call you tomorrow and maybe we can do something cuz I know you work tomorrow.
Me: er, okay. [click. Put my phone on silent.]

I wake up the next morning and find this (directly copied from my message history):

0243h:
text message, Oil Boy: "So I really want to to see you. I am so drunk, please meet me somewherE!"

0250h:
text message, Oil Boy: " I am so drunk right now. I just wanna see you!"

0253h:
text message, Oil Boy: "I wanna meet you for a donair!"

0257h:
text message, Oil Boy: "Where are you? I wanna kiss you! You complete me!"

0312h:
text message, Oil Boy: "I am eating a pita!"

0403h:
voicemail, Oil Boy [voice of some random other guy, Oil Boy's drunken voice yelling incomprehensively in the background]: "Hey. I don't know you, but I found your boy passed out on the curb along whyte ave, so I stayed with him. Didn't wanna get a brother mugged n all. So.. I just found your number on his phone and called. Wanna know where you live. K Bye."

0413h:
voicemail, Oil Boy: "I am so f*cked up right now. But I'm okay. I got my buddy Todd here taking care of me. I don't know where I am."

0421h:
voicemail, Oil Boy: "I'm so sorry for being drunk. I am so fucked up. I wanna come over so I can...sleep. Please call me."

0444h:
voicemail, Oil Boy: "I'm so drunk right now. I'm walking down whyte ave. I don't know where I am. I got a buddy here taking care of me, so I'm okay. I just wanna see you."

0614h:
voicemail, Oil Boy: "So...I just lost about 3 hrs of my life. I am so fucked up, but I'm okay. I got a buddy here taking care of me. Please call me tomorrow. Maybe we can hang out. I'll talk to you tomorrow or monday....I'll talk to you tomorrow. Hope you have a good day at work."

So after ending things the next day, I find out that Oil Boy got obviously hammered, and ditched his friends to try to find my house. Upon unsuccessfully finding where I live (thank God), he passed out on a bus stop bench, and got picked up by some random person (who I can only assume is "Todd" from my voicemail). According to Oil Boy, Todd wasn't that much of a saint because he ended up driving Oil Boy home and promptly held him up for money....which Oil Boy so innocently turned over $600 (allegedly, as told by the culprit himself.)

After all this, the dumbass has the audacity to try to smooth things over by inviting himself to my house to make an apology dinner.

Thank goodness he has not found my house to this day.